Looks like I'll be needing this again.

It certainly looks like I'll be needing my oasis again. I need a place where I can write everything out just to get it out, where no one can judge me for how I'm feeling or tell me silly little things that they think will make me feel better.

I lost another baby this week, according to the ultrasound that I had the week before I was 8 weeks pregnant the day I lost it. Although, according to what I think was my LMP I should have been 9w4d. Maybe that should have clued me in enough that this baby wasn't going to make it. I still can't believe this has happened (or is happening) to me. I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to. Everyone keeps trying to tell me stupid things that they think will make me feel better. I just want to punch them when they do. Even my sister Kathleen, who I thought was coming from Cornwall to be here to support me, seems as if she mostly came down to get away from her husband. I didn't feel like I could talk much about this baby that I lost. It almost felt like if I brought something up then it would seem like I was dwelling on it. We were all at Juanita's house, and I was feeling quite down. I was told to smile. I just wanted to yell and scream "Hey, you go through what I'm going through right now and THEN you see if you want to smile!" For fuck's sake, I just lost a fucking baby. I held everything in my hand and in that moment knew that it was all over.

People keep on telling me "Well at least you have Austin" or some variation of that. Yes, great, I have Austin, I know that. That doesn't fix the fact that I've lost two babies! Sometimes I wish that I hadn't seen the baby on the ultrasound with the heart beating. I think this might be somewhat easier if I didn't have a renewed hope. It's so unfair that the OB told us that things were good, not just cautious good, but good.

219

~Sigh~ I feel so disgusting.

I weighed myself tonight after a few weeks of not doing it. Last time I weighed myself I was 215 or 213. I feel so gross. Before I ever got pregnant I was around the 200 mark. For a long time, quite a few years ago, I was in and around the 180 mark. That means in approximately 7 years I've gained 40 pounds. That's so gross. I guess I just never seen it because I gained it over a long period of time. The most I've ever weighed was 224 pounds, but that was when I was pregnant with Austin. I can't really blame this on baby weight though because 2 weeks after having Austin I weighed 197. How does that even happen?

Ugh. Isaac and I just bought a bunch of crap food. That's probably part of how it happens. That, and the fact that I'm getting next to no exercise. I have no motivation though. I'd really like to get to a healthy weight, and I know this isn't it.

17 weeks

Austin turned 17 weeks today. It seems a little weird to still be counting the weeks. Okay, so he'll be 4 months on Monday. Wow! People tell you that kids grow up too fast, but I never really believed them. When your a new Mom, especially a first time Mom, that time just zooms by. This is one of those times that I feel luck to live in Canada. I am entitled to a full year of maternity leave, which is awesome. I feel bad for my American mommy friends, who, if not back at work already, will be headed there shortly.

My 25th birthday is in 10 days. I'm neither excited nor dreading it. I think it'll just feel like another day. I don't think there is anything being planned for it. Austin and I may be traveling up to Sault Ste. Marie for a memorial service. Let's hope he likes loooong car drives.

3 months!

Wow, time surely does fly! Austin is 12 weeks old already. We brought him to his pediatrician for his 3 month check up today. He weighs a whopping 15 pounds already and is 24.75 inches long. Everything is great with Austin and we go back in a month for his next appointment (and next shots ACK!).

Austin has been sleeping in his crib in his own room for just shy of a week. I first had him napping in there during the day but would still keep him in the bassinet beside our bed at night. However, the first night he spent in his crib is because he was still sound asleep when we were ready to go to bed. I thought I'd be nervous and anxious to leave him in his own room but I think I got a better night's rest.

We have the annual Hodgert Family (MIL's extended family) picnic on Saturday. I'm looking forward to showing Austin off.

I'm enjoying being a temporary stay-at-home Mom. I wish I had hope that we could possibly extend it passed my one year of maternity leave, but sadly it just won't be feasible. Unless, of course, I was to get pregnant with #2 in October. That would leave me with just enough time to go back to work, work the necessary 600 hours to qualify for EI again and then go off on mat leave again. Don't get your hopes up for me...we don't want our babies THAT close together lol!

Restart

So I figured out that I really neglected my blog for a long period of time....almost a year actually. It was here when I needed it though, to really help me deal with the heartache that would creep up on me. I have decided to move all of my previous posts to my other blog which you can find here.

So, for those of you that don't know me personally...My name is Rachel. I am 24 and married to Isaac (30) for almost 2 years now. We have an amazing little boy Austin who is 11 weeks old. We live outside a small town about half an hour north of London, Ontario, Canada. I am currently on maternity leave and Isaac works for New Orlean's Pizza in-store and doing deliveries. He also does some DJing work on the side.

I'm not sure if anyone bothers to check back here for new posts anymore so I could just be talking to myself! :)

Just thinking...

I was outside last night watering our new trees and garden. Every time I'm outside I think about our neighbours (because I can see their houses and such). Well our one neighbour just had a baby boy and she was due exactly 2 months before we were. I just think that it all seems so unfair. She's married, but still lives with her parents. Her husband lives and works in the States. And she has three other kids. Not that I would wish miscarriage on anyone but it just doesn't seem fair that I would lose my one and only. If anyone that knows who I'm talking about here is reading this....don't get mad at me for my feelings. As the title of my blog suggests, this is my oasis, my escape from the world around me. My place to share the feelings that I am feeling. Not even Isaac reads this blog at this point (or that I know of anyways).

Regrets

Why were we so afraid to touch our own baby? Why didn't we touch him and not just the blanket that he was wrapped in? I feel so bad that we will never have that opportunity again and that we wasted the time that we did have with him. I feel bad that we didn't talk to him everyday, that we didn't sing him songs or kiss him goodnight. I feel bad that I didn't sing to him when I could have after he was born. I feel so guilty that my body wouldn't cooperate and that we didn't have more time with him because I had to go into surgery. I didn't know until after the fact that we could have asked to see him again. I know there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome of his short little life, but I still feel like a terrible person for not doing so many things that I could have. I can't get it out of my head that maybe if I had taken folic acid when I was supposed to (before I got pregnant) then maybe Hunter would not have had to suffer with his physical problems. I feel so stupid for not being extremely worried about miscarrying. They told us there was a greater chance of it happening, I just never thought it actually would. I feel bad for being mad at Isaac because he doesn't grieve the same way or to the same intensity as me. I should be six and a half months pregnant right now. I should be counting down the days of work I have left. Instead, I'm sitting at work bawling my eyes out over our baby that never had a chance at life. I feel so bad for joking around at the amnio, my last moment of innocence. I feel so bad for not taking care of myself during the pregnancy. Why didn't I eat better? Exercise? Get more sleep? Would those things have helped me feel better? I regret not writing down everything I possibly could during my pregnancy. Like the time that I thought I felt Hunter kick me, what day was that? How far along was I? I can't remember now and I don't think I ever will. The night before we found out he had passed away, I thought I had felt him moving, rolling over in my belly. Now I know that it couldn't have been possible, but why did my body and mind try to fool me like that? Do I really want another baby already? Or is it just that I want to go back to being pregnant with Hunter?? Did we make the right decision to keep going with the pregnancy when we knew that he was going to have problems? Were we being selfish in just wanting a baby no matter what was wrong with him? How come other people can have babies and they are perfectly fine? Why did this have to happen to us?!? What if this was our one and only chance at having a baby? What if Isaac IS sterile and Hunter was just a one in a million chance?